News, Rumours, and Palace Whispers of
the Sultanate of Clintonia-Rogstaden
DECEMBER 23, 2005--- Within 24 hours of its founding, the infant nation of Clintonia-Rogstaden was hit with an internal tsumani when upon learning the news of new national unity, almost a million women broke their water simultaneously which increased the State's population from 5 million citizens to 6 million. Sultan Rogstaden O'Bannon proclaimed that his islanders are the most fertile women on the planet. It is said that Sultan is in great consultation on creating a grand festival to mark this event.
DECEMBER 24, 2005--- Dorothy Twilliger's family called for the reversal of the local laws against Euthanasia so their dying mother could end her own life. An official in the health ministry quipped that if the woman wanted to end own life, she could have her gurney wheeled out into the street with her purse, and let the rampant crime situation take care of her misery.
DECEMBER 26, 2005 --- A Neo-Nazi group plans to rally in the City Center. Konrad Dredd, Royal Guard, reminds the protesters than free speech in Clintonia-Rogstaden is only free when Sultan proclaims it free. In addition, the police force has the right to use excessive force at will under the general duties of Defence. Dredd believes that if Twillinger wants to end her own life, she could put on an armband and come to the City Center and see if she can goad an officer into using excessive force.
DECEMBER 26, 2005--- Within 72 hours of its founding, the infant nation of Clintonia-Rogstaden was hit with another internal tsumani three million more women broke their water simultaneously which now has increased the State's population from 6 million citizens to 9 million. Sultan Rogstaden O'Bannon has proclaimed that his islanders are the most fertile women on the planet. The health ministry is concerned about the vast amount of afterbirth that will soon overwhelm the streets of our environmentally lush island. The Sultan's staff stated that all afterbirth should be taken to Coast Guard barges to be deposited along the outer reefs so the Sultan can have the greatest Shark Hunt in the history of the island sport.
DECEMBER 26, 2005 --- Clintonia-Rogstaden's astrological calendar states that this week is the Week of the Washing, the annual ceremony where island virgin women sponge bathe our great Sultan in a public bath in the Public Palace Square. No photography is allowed of the Sultan at this time. Staff has no comments from the underground press that this ancient ceremony is the only way the Sultan can meet or hook up with single women.
DECEMBER 31, 2005 --- The stunning little nation of Clintonia-Rogstaden continues to explode with a wave of immigration. The population has swelled to 18 million happy subjects. The influx of new taxpayers has caused our indifferent Sultan to reduce the income tax rate from 17 percent to 14 percent. Waves and waves of new immigrants are sure to follow this grand tax policy; as well as foreign corporations who are donating huge sums of money to favored politicians.
JANUARY 1, 2006 --- The United Nations has reclassified the Sultanate as Inoffensive Centrist Democracy from the prior classification of being a Father Knows Best State. A palace aide remarked that the Sultan has done nothing to grant more democratic ideals to this tiny island nation. What are those delegates smoking? Tosmacco?? the aide said. Democracy are not-to-often election of the Sultan's court. The Parliament of the Fraternity of United Noble Kinsmen (Parliament FUNK) has not met since the consolidation of Clintonia and Rogstaden.
JANUARY 5, 2006--- Clintonia-Rogstaden is ranked 2,688th in the North Pacific and 54,259th in the world for the Rudest Citizens. Social commentator Beth Hanover believes that it the counter-rebellious spirit of the people against the self-centered, arrogant and selfish behavior of the Sultan.
JANUARY 12, 2006 --- A group of emergency room physicans have petitioned the Minstry of Health to have mandatory organ donations. Dr. Colin Li blamed the underfunding of health system. If the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it's not like dead people need them. Chief of Staff Abraham King dismissed the doctors concerns. Only the Sultan can reserve the public's organs, for himself.
JANUARY 13, 2006 --- The island nation of Clintonia-Rogstaden proclaimed itself as the greatest nation on earth, as its population continues to swell, now at 68 million. As a result, the hard working new immigrants have created a new, efficient black market for wood chip exports. In addition, the connected mining industry believes that it will make inroads into the environmentally sensitive corners of the nation to collect highly prized mineral, uranium. Hugo Clear-Felling, the Minister of Mining, believes that the he can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining in a small area. After all, think of all the good money from this uranium deposit can bring to Clintonia-Rogstaden.
JANUARY 30, 2006 --- The nation's treasury is overflowing with tributes by new immigrants to this country. So much so, that the Sultan has reduced the flat income tax to his people to 9 percent, which led to a great wave of celebration and drinking (from the state owned liquor stores). The population of this hard working fun loving nation now stands unofficially at 179 million.
JANUARY 30, 2006--- The Clintonia-Rogstaden Green Society proclaimed outrage at the deforestation of certain districts. Vocal member Abraham Gutenberg fumed at the mining industy's inroads into environmentally sensitive areas. Our national animal, the gregarious weasel, is on the brink of extinction! he fumed. However, advisor Calvin O'Bannon, the Sultan's brother, remarked that he disagrees that the gregarious weasel will become extinct. The males are constantly in a mating rut and they are not bashful about mating in public places. And even if the weasel goes deadwood, it served no useful purpose. Elementary school teacher Emma Mae Trimgrade thinks it would be a good idea that the nation start a national zoo, and house a community of weasels. It would give the children a field trip other than touring the city dump, city junkyard or not to be confused with the Capitol Building. Mr. O'Bannon thought for a moment and declared, I thought we already had a zoo . . . it is called parliament.
FEBRUARY 14, 2006--- A coalition of tribalists, health experts and civil rights advocates have suggested the legalization of cannibalism. When learning of this discussion, the Sultan remarked that he was a meat eater, but not that type of meat. The ministers scoffed at the notion of legalized cannibalism. The consensus was that this was some lame joke on a slow news day.
FEBRUARY 15, 2006--- Big Time Television announces that its animated television series Blood and Guts Revenge, Tremor and Grand Theft Tricycle, are the highest rated shows on its network.
FEBRUARY 24, 2006-- The nation of Clintonia-Rogstaden announced today that its population has swelled to 300 million. When told of this milestone, the Sultan quipped that means more fertile island women to judge in the Annual Miss Islander Beauty Pageant.
MARCH 20, 2006-- The official population of the nation has ballooned past 445 million people. The palace controller is worried that there is not enough room in the basement to hold all the coins and currency from the new immigrant visa and entry fees.
MARCH 30, 2006-- The continuing series of public street marches clashed in the Centre Square when a vocal group of health food advocates came upon a small band of protesting cannibals who are demanding the right to eat humans as part of their cultural traditions. The Public Health Inspector grew violently ill at the prospect of inspecting non-meat meat products at traditional cultural markets.
MARCH 31, 2006-- A transportation official is whispering around the Parliament about enacting a new law to penalize the growing class of televangelists who are driving around town flaunting their new found wealth by driving expensive imported cars. One bumper sticker seen: I Am Driving This Land Yacht Because the Angels are Washing my Ferrari.
APRIL 10, 2006-- Automotive workers are on strike. The problem is that the government officially does not recognize that the nation has an automotive industry. A black market strike is a non-issue to the bureaucrats. Boo hoo, a member of Parliament said while slurping down his Eggs Benedict at the exclusive Beach Club.
APRIL 13, 2006 -- The Miss Bikini Island Booster Club Parade of Pageant Beauties in the honor of the Sultan was disrupted by a violent and messy stampede of gregarious weasels. Environmentalists blamed the increased de-forestation of the island habitats for the weasels violent behavior. Animal trainers remarked that the national animal is in a constant state of heat (much like our Sultan, quipped a member of Parliament from the parade dias) that an under count of females caused a weasel mating riot in the streets of the Capitol. Press reports that there were thousands of gaping wound injuries to parade watchers and participants, causing a severe blood and plasma shortage at the local hospitals.
APRIL 14, 2006-- Minister of Defence, Freddy King, is upset that military funding is not increasing at a fast enough rate. It's simply not good enough! wails King. He claims it is not about the money, but manpower. All we seem to get nowadays is drunks and people who volunteered for a dare. A spokesman for the Sultan, who avoided any combat while studying in Britain, avoided comment. On the plight of the Defence ministry and its advocacy of installing a draft to create a professional armed force, a member of Parliament said Boo hoo, while slurping an Atomic Bomb Margarita at the exclusive Beach Club.
MAY 20, 2006-- Tensions are increasing against rival nation, Durbinella. Our nation has just surpassed Durbinella in population at 837 million. Leaders of Durbinella are suddenly getting quite curt in their remarks about the Sultan and his massive population growth. A recent news item in the Durbin Turbin described Clintonia-Rogstaden as jails have become vampire houses; a niche industry catering to S&M enthusiasts has sprung up, army rations are served on silver platters, and record sales of child-whacking sticks have been sold. Diplomats are formulating a response to these libelous statements.
JUNE 7, 2006 --- The Ministry of Defence is concerned that there are growing skirmishes with neighborning nations brewing. The generals are demanding more military appropriations in order to safeguard the nation's borders. We don't need some pansy pacificist in a time of crisis, General Bigbone Ugobbee said after an angry session with the Sultan's appointment secretary. The Sultan was pre-occupied with his semi-annual endorsement of island sponsored bikini wax products.
JUNE 14, 2006 --- A ferility clinic announced a new service to allow parents to create DESIGNER babies. Dr. Hack Mistletoe said Embryo selection isn't really genetic engineering in the technical sense. It's more like having a dozen abortions per month until you get the fetus you desire. I can't see what's wrong with parents who can afford to ot be able to eliminate feti with undesirable genetic traits. A spokesman for the Minister of Health, Clint Silk, said the technology is promising, but he could not trust the private sector. General Buy Longbottom thought that genetic babies would be best served under the Department of Defence's Super Soldier program.
JUNE 15, 2006 --- Due to the ongoing border vollies with neighboring countries, a rash of illegal immigrants have been caught at the borders, prompting many citizens to call for tighter immigration laws. What??, the Sultan muttered during a heaping spoonful of curry goat with cream sauce, what are they bitchin' about; the nation's population has added over a BILLION people in less than a year. I don't have that many bullets in my Willie to sustain that kind of growth. The issue was tabled until after the 24 course dessert menu was over.
JULY 4, 2006 --- Fourteen American ex-pats were arrested in the Capitol Gardens, allegedly celebrating their independence. From whom, the Ministry of Defence has no clue. The drunken bums were thrown into the underground cavern prison to await a ruling from the local Police Constable, who was detained by the Sultan's Annual Find the Hidden Banana party at the Royal Summer Beach Palace.
JULY 8, 2006 --- Diplomatic envoys from 36 different nations have attempted to seek recognition status so they can establish embassies in Rogstad-Clintonia, the Royal Telegraph Minister reported today. Most applicants have expressed a fundamental pride in the fantastic growth of the nation's economy, the low cut bikini beaches that surround the islands, the firm grasp of the Sultan's power, the nightly wet t-shirt contests at the resort hotels, and the geopolitical center of the island in the world as the key reasons for starting formal diplomatic relations with the Sultan. However, an undersecretary whispered that the Sultan is interested only in the other types of relations.
JULY 15, 2006 --- Pet store owner Abbish Corona was fined 500 Fundraisers after his four Golden Monkeys of the Acropolis got out of their cages to wreck havoc at the local market. The Golden Monkeys threw melons at the merchants, spit at shoppers, and urinated in the live seafood tanks. Corona pleaded with his monkeys, but in high pitch laughter not heard since the NTV show, What is Your Threshold of Tickle Pain? was canceled last season, the monkeys raced across the roof tops to the jungle. The Interior Minister has offered a 50 fundraiser reward for the capture of any Golden Monkey; and a 10 fundraiser commission for any good monkey stew receipe.
JULY 20, 2006 --- Fourteen American ex-pats were arrested in the Capitol Gardens, allegedly celebrating their Americans walking on the moon. The drunkards began mooning anyone who attempted to get near the Wishing Well Fountain. The drunken bums, who were just released from prison the day before, were thrown into the underground cavern prison to await a ruling from the local Police Constable, who was detained by legal paperwork after the Sultan's Annual Find the Hidden Banana party at the Royal Summer Beach Palace.
JULY 22, 2006 --- Donald T. Rumpp, a self proclaimed island real estate developer, was stoned to death today by workers at the Taj Me Haul Waste Treatment and Dump Site on the inlet of Williwillie. Rumpp, who wore thousands of dollars of fake jewelry, drove knock-off European sports cars, and paid Asian supermodels as escorts to appear to be a successful billionaire business mogul, was going to use the Taj Me Haul project to spring board his personal identity into condo development in Capitol City. He arrived at the site with photographers and a gold painted shovel as a PR stunt to lure foreign investors into his projects. When he arrived, his workers, who first paychecks failed to clear the local bank for insufficient funds, began throwing stones at his direction when they found out that he did not bring cash to make good on past wage claims. Ungreatful prisoners, was apparently the last words uttered from Rumpp's mouth before he succumbed to the stoning. Local Police constable Iga Muntomburr said no charges would be pending against any worker, as he described the situation as a civil, not criminal matter.
JULY 29, 2006 --- The Sultan's Chief of Staff announced today that the Sultan would be judging the Miss Island Bikini Watermelon Eating Contest at Loco Loco Beach. Contestants who eat the most wet melon without choking on the seeds will be rewarded with a private getaway dinner at the Sultan's Summer Palace. Sultan will also award a contestant with of the most pleasurable groans award.
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